“What if someone despises me? Let them see to it. But I will see to it that I won’t be found doing or saying anything contemptible. What if someone hates me? Let them see to that. But I will see to it that I’m kind and good-natured to all, and prepared to show even the hater where they went wrong. Not in a critical way, or to show off my patience, but genuinely and usefully.”
MARCUS AURELIUS, MEDITATIONS, 11.13
There will be some people in life who just dislike or even hate you, for some reason.
And sometimes there’s no reason at all — like the time I was at a party in my younger life, and some guy just decided he hated my guts and wanted to beat me up, despite us never exchanging words or even a glance. Thankfully my friends held him back, but I never did quite understand what happened there. Thankfully I let it go. His problem, not mine.
There’s very rarely anything you can do about people who dislike you. And as long as you’re trying your best to be kind and fair, and your actions reflect your right and good choices, then there’s not really anything you should feel concerned about. Those situations are firmly in the ‘things you can’t control’ category.
How to react
So what should you do, if someone dislikes or hates you? First of all, don’t return the hate. Don’t hate the hater. That just fills your heart unnecessarily with negative emotion, and then you both lose.
Help them, if you can. Be kind to them, even though they don’t deserve it. That’s what I love about this quote from Marcus Aurelius in today’s entry of The Daily Stoic — he suggests responding to this negativity… with positivity. How brave is that?
In keeping with our openness on this site to wisdom from unlikely sources, I’m going to quote some insight from the Bible. Even if you’re not a Christian, there’s truth here:
If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.
Romans 12:20
So basically it’s saying, if you’re kind and helpful to your enemy, then they can’t win. You are the victor, by default. Even if they don’t realize it, you come out on top, stronger than ever.
But don’t be kind to your haters just to win and defeat them. Do it from actual kindness. Not because you’re trying to show off or be magnanimous, and not because you can secretly benefit in some way — do it simply because it’s the right thing to do.
Your soul will thank you for it.
